Monday, April 15, 2013

Into The Valley...

  If God had come to me last Monday and asked me if I would like to take a trip through the Valley of the Shadow of Death carrying my 5lb 2oz baby last week I know that I would have never said "yes." But, what if He had asked me if I would like to take His hand through an amazing journey, that would glorify Him in the utmost, build countless people's faith, and promised me that we would be okay? What would I have said then? Thankfully God never consulted me about His plans for last week.  He simply took my hand and led the way....
  Last Tuesday, as many in our family expressed growing excitement about the birth of our baby the following day, I was experiencing more and more apprehension. My two major concerns were the c-section and would the baby be okay? The previous weekend I had awoken in a panic after a nightmare that my baby was in distress and I couldn't get to her. Doctors and nurses reassured me that all would be well. The baby should do great! Everything pointed to that fact. By the following morning, April 10th, I was very jittery and had spent most of the night trying to pray away my fears. I talked to my baby, prayed over her and just enjoyed having her with me. After some pricks and sticks, the c-section got underway. In less then 3 minutes I felt the doctor push on my ribs and then the baby was free, but the joyous cries of a newborn were replaced with silence. As Aaron left my side to see our daughter I lay in wonder, praying. The surgery seemed to fade into a place of non-consequence as I desperately waited to hear something. And then we heard the joyous wail, but alas it was to become a precious sound tucked away in our memories. My sweet baby was wheeled quickly past me as they escorted her to the NICU(Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).
  4 weeks earlier as it became evident that we would be meeting our daughter sooner than anticipated Aaron and I prayed earnestly for her name. God led us to Chasia due to the meaning "The Lord Protects me." The day of her birth, as Chasia began her life journey and it became evident that her lungs were not working, we clung to that meaning. A wonderful friend came and advised us to have our baby transported immediately to Johns Hopkins for better care; in spite of the fact the hospital reassured us they could care for our daughter. We prayed and went with our friend's advice. The decision was agonizing as it meant that I would be separated from her, but we never wanted to wonder "what if we had sent her to Hopkins?" As the transport was arranged Chasia got worse and a small miracle occurred; Hopkins arranged to transfer me as well!
   We arrived at Hopkins and it became increasingly evident that the Valley of Death was growing darker and closing in around us. Chasia's heart was not working properly due to the pulmonary hypertension affecting her lungs. The best doctors and nurses in the world tweaked and probed and tried every available treatment to stabilize our baby, but to no avail. God's hand holding us became increasingly vital as we clung to His WORD to sustain us. Time stood still and seemed to stretch into eternity as minutes marched by and Chasia spiraled away from us and drew closer to heaven. We began to hear about a last ditch effort called ECMO, essentially a heart lung bypass machine, that might not work because of Chasia's tiny frame. We cried out to God from the depths of our souls pleading for a miracle asking HIM to protect her... By the afternoon Chasia was into the darkest caverns of the Valley. I was lying in my bed unable to breathe in the worst physical, and mental pain unimaginable when a NICU doctor came to take me to see my baby. They were out of options and she was being transferred to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) in preparation for the ECMO treatment. As we entered her room I saw past the numerous Medical staff to my baby, pale and lifeless in her bed. Everything looked like a nightmare as Aaron and I cowered in the corner clinging to each other watching them fight for her life; Scriptures stored deep within us poured out interceding for our baby. The attending doctor came and knelt beside us and asked us when was last time we had touched our baby, "have you touched her in the past hour?" "No," we had not. The sea of staff parted as we crept to the bed to somehow give back to God what had been ours for too short a time. We knew that God was merciful and we knew that children die. We knew that we were undeserved and no different from anyone else, but how do you let your precious miracle go? Scriptures: the Lord is my Strength and my Salvation, the Lord is the stronghold of my life; Out of the depths I cried out to the Lord and He answered me, he set my feet upon a rock; poured out. As we left the room, a battle cry went up. People in droves began to unitedly, from countless places, stop and cry out to God for a miracle.
   We hung suspended on the precipice of life and death for hours; groaning in agony to the Lord to hear our cry. Later that evening we were led into the PICU to see our daughter. Her little bed was surrounded by giant machines. The doctors reported that they were working hard to avoid ECMO, but needed us to sign the consents. We listened as they described the gruesome details and numbly signed the paperwork. Pouring out prayers we said goodnight to our baby desperately hoping morning would come. In our room we cried out to the Lord as the words from Chasias's theme song filled the air... "the God of angel armies is always by my side, He rules and reigns forever, He is a friend of mine..." I knew she was God's friend, and as HE held us both I fell asleep, believing joy would come in the morning. At 4 am the nurse came to us with the phone, "The PICU is on the line," she said as my heart stopped. "And they have good news!" The doctors had been able to stabilize her without ECMO. We wept for joy, praising GOD!
   The following morning we hurried to Chasia's side. The doctors were amazed. ECMO treatment normally gets started when a person's oxygen index is at 40. Chasia's was at 50 when she got to the PICU. Miraculously, overnight it had dropped to 6! JOY had come in the morning, our miracle had arrived. Friends began to contact us telling us how the Holy Spirit would not let them sleep all night. They instead spent the time on their knees and faces interceding for God to spare our baby. They rejoiced with us as they heard how God had answered our cries for help.
   She is continuing to battle and we continue to pray and weep (intermittent tears of pain and joy).  I KNOW NOW that God's hand is big enough to have sustained us if HE had ordained us to stay in Valley of Death. HE, by undeserved mercy, has led us out with shouts of JOY and VICTORY. We are still greatly in need of healing and continued prayers for Chasia and our family. We eagerly await each morning to see how God will move, but we, along with the Psalmist can say,  Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I WILL FEAR no evil, for YOU are with me, you comfort me you guide me and our hope and trust is in YOU alone, for you alone can save.





Thursday, April 4, 2013

Not in My Storybook...

 If we were the author of our storybook, I'm quite certain there are some chapters we would never even consider writing. On November 6th, 2012 such a chapter commenced in our lives. I was standing in line with Odelia explaining to her about voting and Presidents when I felt a sensation no pregnant women wants to feel... convinced I was having a miscarriage at 11 weeks I rushed home. After praying we went to the ER where Aaron and I were quite surprised to learn that our baby still had a heartbeat! The following week found us at a specialist's office learning all about subchorrionic hemorrhages. The Doctor was very encouraging telling us that the baby looked great and the blood clot should resolve itself in a few weeks. A week of bleeding came and went. We were hopeful that we had finished that chapter of scariness and could now move onto the joys of happy pregnancy part! However...
   18 weeks pregnant found us in the Labor and Delivery Unit after a large amount of bleeding. What an awful feeling arriving at the place where previously you've delivered 3 healthy girls knowing that this visit was way too soon! Convinced yet again that we were loosing our precious little one we were happy to learn that she still had heartbeat. That began our myriad of trips to the specialist, learning that the hemorrhage had not resolved at all, but had in fact gotten bigger. We talked about fear inducing words like placenta abruption, rare condition, and preterm labor. Months of bleeding and ultrasounds produced reports that our baby, a girl, was totally undisturbed by the fact that her cozy habitat was falling apart. At 29 weeks we had a good report- things were looking better, perhaps that chapter was finally ending and the long overdue happy pregnancy part was now ready to begin...
    In the wee hours of March 13th I jumped out of bed convinced that the bleeding was back and was totally shocked to discover lots of clear fluid instead of red. I got back in bed and decided that was a fluke and tried to convince myself that if it happened again then I would call someone. It did came again and I cried as I called the Doctor.  In what seemed like very short order this chapter of our lives went from looking up to spiraling down. I cried more as we arrived at the Labor and Delivery Unit, early yet again, and then more tears when the Doctor announced that I (without any bags packed or plans made) would not be leaving until our baby was delivered. My life came to a screeching halt. Shots, needles, monitors, and IV's marched into my life as did a nurse from the NICU all prepping us for the arrival of a preemie. My due date in May suddenly slid to March. I am glad that I was unable to read this part of the chapter ahead of time or I would have probably had a panic attack. Long nights, hostage days and 2 near rushes to the Operating Room, now find us in April still living in this crazy chapter.
   One underlying thing sustains me. The day this chapter of my life began I was studying Noah. I remember the distinct lesson that God allowed the overwhelming waters of the flood to only come up so high on that boat. Noah was in there a LONG time and I am sure he faced some crazy storms and waves, but God allowed the waters to not overtake that boat. And God knows how high the water around me in this chapter may rise, but I know that they will not overwhelm me. There is a song that is on auto play for the this chapter too... I hear it in the dark scary times and it plays while others speak fearful words...( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOkImV2cJDg) I pray that whatever wacky chapter of life you find yourself in today that may not have been in your storybook you can trust that God is writing it and find peace in that place.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Here We Go ...

And so after 14 days trapped in this bed I have decided to embark on blogging...
 Everyone continues to ask the same question... Is this one a girl too?? We smile and happily reply "Yes". Quite simply we live in a princess world. And I must say that we are very happy in it.  Tea parties materialize in an instant, fairy mice are regularly seen dancing with small blond headed moppets, and best all boys are yucky, unless you are Prince Charming or Daddy!! 
   We have been on a very interesting journey these last two weeks... but my little princesses have been doing so well. Today they told me the best part of the day is coming to see me. I've gotten smothered in hugs and kisses. Zara tries to wash all my iv sites with wipes and make them go away. They say continually that I'm the best mommy ever and they promise to show me the way out of this hospital just as soon as the Doctor lets me get out of bed!! Odelia's best doll has been spending every night here with me in the baby warmer.  And Aviela sends one of her imaginary mice friends here to keep me company each evening... Penelope is here tonight. Only the girl mice will come because Jaque and Gus Gus DO NOT like the hospital!!!! When Aaron strolls the girls out each day I choke back tears and realize how very much I love my family. This time away from the daily dishes, constant requests, laundry and pretty much everything has made me ever grateful for all of those things. I love being their mommy and Aaron's wife. I am eagerly awaiting the day when the newest Princess and I get to escape from here. Until then prayers sustain me.